Boundaries… Dam and contact

How do you feel when someone tries to enter your "space"? Can you defend him? How do you feel when the other person imposes their limits on you? Do you respect them or not?

We allow some more, some less and some not at all the decisions, desires, preferences of others to invade our souls.

Our sense of self as a separate entity and respect for ourselves and others is directly linked to setting boundaries. A newborn baby does not distinguish itself from the mother. He thinks this is what the mother is too one. Through contact with the mother, according to 2^The with 6^The month he will slowly realize his limits, he will build his identity and the foundations will be laid for the ability he will have in the future to love himself and others.

In our body the skin is the boundary between the inner and outer world. Our need for love and protection is expressed, but also our fear of losing them. The hug, the caress that a newborn will receive from mom greatly affects his physical and emotional development. Related research on premature babies showed that when they received the caress of the nurse or the mother herself, their weight gradually increased, resulting in them reaching the weight they would have had if they had been born normally at 9 months. On the contrary, premature babies who did not have this care either remained underweight with various health problems or did not manage to survive. It is no coincidence when we consider that in the embryonic state the skin is created from the same tissue as the nervous system, which is why it is as receptive as our sensory nerves.

THE lack of limits within the family it creates fear, insecurity and at the same time a dependence of the child on the parents. When there are no specific limits and rules, the child does not know how to behave, what is right and what is wrong. He thinks his parents don't love him and don't care about him. Furthermore, when the boundaries of family members become intertwined, the result is a dysfunctional, symbiotic relationship. You slowly lose your autonomy, your independence, your self-esteem and confidence. You end up putting up with more and more in order not to lose the other person and your limits keep expanding, with the result that you don't respect the other person's limits either. Not even in the professional field can you inspire prestige and stability.

But someone can be sociable, for example make acquaintances easily, be pleasant, but not let you really get close to them. While he seems "open" to contact, you feel like he's keeping you emotionally distant. The strictly and rigidly boundaries, which leave no room for the expression of the child's wishes and needs, also create fear and insecurity and lead to a distancing and quite compulsive behavior in adult life. Strict boundaries serve as self-protection. The extra kilos, for example, "broaden" our limits, or rather strengthen the ones that already exist. There is a huge need for love, but at the same time a fear of contact. The fear that if you relax your defenses a little, you will be in danger from others, that you will be alienated or that you will "bother" the other person, resulting in loneliness and isolation. Both cases (flexible or rigid boundaries) are two sides of the same coin, the two extremes that lead to problems in interpersonal relationships.

Do not get to the point of putting up with so much until "the knot reaches the comb". Do not you allow others to intrude into your life and put anyone who tries to do so in their place. In order to achieve this, however, you must first put yourself in the position that belongs to him.. We must learn to say "no". "No" is a word that is established from the age of 12-18 months. On the other hand steadily limits does not mean inelastic limits. Her protection freedom of ourselves does not mean entrenching it.

When boundaries are blurred the roles shift. The more clear and consistent it is, the more meaningful the communication with others. Once in order to adapt to the environment we set some limits. Today we do not live in these conditions, because we are simply not 2 years old anymore. So it's time to become one redefinition of our limits. We cannot demand that others respect our boundaries when we ourselves have not clearly defined them, or we cannot complain that others do not approach us (physically or emotionally) when we do not allow them to to approach us. When you think that you are protecting yourself in this way, you lose the opportunity to love and to be truly loved.

by the psychologist - psychotherapist Efi Tamboura

www.psycho-therapy.gr